devils kiss

Update

2008-10-18T05:35:56Z

So it's been along time since i wrote. So let me say what has been going on, my new firend and I aren't talking anymore. My friend lied to me about his ex so we really aren't talking anymore either. My love and i are back together. I am getting kicked out of my house so I need to come up with some money to move out which isn't happening at all so I'm totally stressed out right now. And I might be pregant again so that totally stresses me out too, and I haven't told my love yet and I don't know if I will for a while. But I'm like totally stressed out so I'm like totally going crazy. I feel like my whole world is falling apart and I can't stop it. My love just keeps telling me to calm down and relax but it's hard. I've smoked like a pack in two days and it usually takes me a couple weeks to finish a pack. I'm just tripping out! My mind wont stop spinning. I can't hold on to a thought. I forgot where I was going when I went to work yesterday. I just wanna scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm like really depresssed. I even cut the other day and I haven't done that in a long time!

I want to be loved back not just loved

2008-08-03T04:45:57Z

YEa so my love and I are ok again but he made me promise I would try to move on. So I have been with my friend but my new friend from a different country is here and in one text he's telling me how much he loves me and in the next asking if she has a boyfriend or if she asked about him. I just can't take it. My love is the only on that makes me happy! and I can't have him so I will never be happy!

Dying will be a really big adventure

2008-07-22T22:40:28Z

So i have an hpv which means I will miscarry. It also means that I could get cervcal cancer. I really upset about this and have been for about a week now since i found out. I also have more guy problems then I ever thought I would. My lie as figured out we are better as friends so I am now his sister. Lol. My love and I are still like we have been. He come to my birthday party this past weekend. And my friend, there is where my drama lies. Last night we kissed after he has been talking about it for a good 3 weeks. And is was horrile. Even he said so. But he said he is just out of practice. So we will try again later.

Can a heart still break even after it has stopped beating?

2008-07-12T22:52:54Z

I miss my love. I miss being able to tell people that I'm madly in love with the love of my life and he's the same way for me, or that I'm very happily taken. I miss being able to hold him and touch him every day. I miss hearing I love you or I could get use to waking up next to you or I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm tried of crying I'm tried of hurting i'm tried of lying to myself about him. I'm tried of wanting something I'm never going to have again, and holding on so hard on to it that I can't even make myself move on! I want to be able to lay next to him and not still miss him. I WANT TO STOP HURTING! I want too much. I need him to tell me that he wants me back. That he can't live without me. I want to be more then just sex to him. I need to be more then just sex to him. I need to feel love from him! I NEED TO GET OVER HIM! OMG I want to cut so fucking bad! It's so hard not to. But if he sees another cut on me he'll kill me! My love. My one true love. THe love of my life. The reason I want to end my life. I can't keep going with out him. I feel like if I just die I wont hurt this much anyomre. It feels like he pulled my heart out and just breaks pieces off here and there and throws them on the ground for the world to walk on. How can I still love someone that makes me feel like this? How can I Want to be with him every mintue of every day? I still wear a ring his oldest daughter and him got for me in febuary it's just a cheap little rainbow ring. Some of the rainbow is gone, i have three colors out of six lft and i still wear it everyday. It doesn't come off unless I'm in the shower.

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.

2008-07-10T20:52:07Z

So my brithday is monday, I was supposed to have a party this coming saturday but everyone like always bitched out on me! So next weekend I'm having a party and still half the poeple have bichted out on me! And I want my love there but my lie and asshole might be back in town by then and I'm using their apartment and I don't want any fights. But I really want him there at least for a bit! But I really don't know and my friends are just being assholes about the whole thing. Now i know why I don't do this shit anymore

Heartbreaking friends

2008-07-08T20:16:02Z

My friend and I just started talking again and I'm very happy. Mostly we talk about his girl and this past weekend he come over to party most of the weekend but we went to his girlfriend's work and she's got very upset and I think that she is using him and so we were talking about it and I told him he needs to just break it off. Well anyways I found out he still has a crush on me and if he breaks up with his girl we're to try this out. I'm like totally tore because I know it will hurt my lie who is out of town for three months, and I don't knoe if I can get over my love long enought to try something with my friend. And the baby just makes everything worse. My friend doesn't know I'm pregnant. Trust me that's not the funnes thing to tell everyone.

When I kiss his lips, I taste your mouth.

2008-06-30T19:52:12Z

My lie bought me the Katy Perry cd. You know that chick that sings I kissed a girl. There is a song on there that is my life right now. It's "Thinking of you". It talks about how her ex left her and told her to go find someone else so she does and every time she kisses her new guy she only taste her ex's lips and when she's with him all she thinks about is her ex. That's how I feel with my love and my lie. Everytime I listen to this song I cry but Ican't stop listening to it. I'm addicted to it.
Last night my love and i got in to a fight really bad and he said some very hurtful things and of course me being only human had to come up with the meanest things I could think of back. Why we do that i will never know. He kept telling me to just have my lie be the dad of my baby and he will just pay for it and if I tell everyone it's my lie's they will stop talking shit. Then toward the end as it was almost one a.m. he tells me I just sent you something to remind you of all the fun we use to have. Mind you I already feel like he has pulled my heart out broken it into a million piece tried to put it ack together and then walked all over it not before putting it into a blender and turning it into soup. So I get this picture of his hard dick and I start crying all over again and went off on him. I felt like he was teasing me and toying with me. And now today he is trying to say sorry for what he did and tell me that if we keep doing what we are doing he is just going to kepp being jealous. And we are now talking it out but I don't know how this is going to turn out. I'm scared to lost him forever in every way but I'm even more scared of putting a baby in the middle of our fights. We can be really mean to each other and it's not because we don't love each other it's because we are too in love with each other and the world is just in our way.

Love is a powerful thing

2008-06-27T02:33:28Z

I am in love with my love but I have feelings for my lie. My lie trys to make me jealous and it doesn't work all he does is hurt me. I want to be with my lie and my love but my love wont have me right now and I'm afarid I will cheat on my lie with my love. I know i will. As much as I am against cheating the idea of not being able to touch or kiss or make love to my love kills me and to do all that with another man is even worse. Am i just being stupid or selfish or thinking too muchof others and not myself? I feel like my head is spinning and i can't stop it. I should be with my lie but I still want my love who I know will just hurt me again and again and again. But I'm having my love's baby. That just makes it even worse.

Of all the lies I have lived the great one is myself

2008-06-26T16:38:58Z

I feel like who am to my firends and what family i have is a lie. Very few people know i cut, or that I am bi ploar, or that i dream of someday having a family and more love in one house then anyone can handle. Only one person in my life knows the real me and he is not part of my life very much. He has seen my good and my bad and put me back together in my worst.He is my true heart and my dream life. He is the one i would spend my whole life with if given the chance, He is my love. But in my life I spend more time with my lie then my love. My lie is my friend who would so anything for me and wants to be my everything but I'm too in love with my love and even see my lie as even more then a friend. He is the one that wants to take care of my baby and I if my love wont. He is the one I would love to be with if only I could stop loving my love and start loving him.
Everyday I cry to myself where no one can see and every night I try not to cut or to end it all. I want to give my baby a chance even though it started out with a very small one to start with. But I'm so depressed and stressed out that i can't even see throught my tears.I lie to myself to keep me happy. And I believe myself even though I know it is nothing but lies.

This place is so empty and my thoughts are so tempting

2008-06-25T20:41:01Z

I have so much shit on my mind and everytime something comes out of my mouth to one of my "Friends" they always have something not so helpful to say or turn it around on hemselves. I am the kind of person that could be dying on the inside and would listen to my friend talk about how they got ground of being out too late last night and not say a word about how I feel but only give her advice about how to handle her parents and maybe next time call not just come home 3 hours after her parents told her to. I have always been this way and maybe that's why I cut. I have totally had noone to listen to me talk or hear my dark thoughts without thinking they are my truthes. I post blogs on my myspace of my feelings in a gentle state and my friends laugh at them. I want to just find a corner to sit in it sometimes and die. I can't have the love of my life because he's life is too fucked up right now for me but we still act llike we are together without the names. Barely anyone knows I'm pregnant with his baby only a couple months but I have a hard time carrying so we are waiting to see what happens before telling everyone. He has two daughters and a wife he still lives with but isn't with. He's girls hate my guts! They are only 13 and 11 so i can understand. I'm not their mom and never want to be. I just want to be with the love of my life forever. I'm so scared because of how much we fight that I will be raising this baby on my own and it wont have a dad. I haven't cut since I found out i was pregagnt only beucase I know if I do they will lock me up until I have the baby and then take it away from me and I know my love wouldn't take it or couldn't take it. I want my old life back my happy little marriage before I even meet my love before I had that really bad miscarriage and before my husband decied I was a better punching bag then a wife. I want that happy feeling I felt eveyday waking up next to someonethat loves me. But i would love that life with my love. He spent the night once at my place and sleeping next to him and waking up with him there was wonderful. Everytime i think about what we had I cry and I miss him more then ever. Every kiss we share now feels like a reminder of what I can't have a tease of what I want. And he tells me he misses me and get jealous when other guys want me but wont have me back. And my stress level right now is at an all time high and every morning I can't wake up and every night a can't fall asleep. I don't know what to do anymore. I have to write my thoughts out or I feel like I'm going to exploed.